Coping with your friends moving on

We've always known friends are important, but the pandemic made many of us appreciate friendship's true worth.

When the American Association of Retired Persons asked adults aged 25-75 about friendship in 2019, 90 per cent felt it was essential to a happy, healthy life. Participants defined friends as people they could talk to with ease, and with whom they could share life experiences.

Pandemic restrictions have done nothing to diminish the power of friendship. A 30,000-strong survey carried out by Snapchat found that for most, their friendships remained unaffected by the pandemic while, for many, bonds were even strengthened.

What a terrible blow, then, just when we can meet up again, if you discover your best friend has decided to move away.

Perhaps the lockdowns encouraged them to start a different lifestyle; maybe they split up with their partner and want to start anew somewhere else; or their children have moved out and they're downsizing far away.

Even worse, they may have taken up some new passion during lockdowns that appears to leave little or no time for you.

Whatever the reason, the feeling of abandonment and the dashing of your hopes to return to “normal” are devastating. What can you do if that's happened to you?

If your friend is moving away, use what you've learned during lockdowns about how to maintain strong bonds even when you can't meet face to face.

Spending time with your friend, however you can, with the aim of understanding what matters most to them is key, as Andrew Ledbetter at Texas Christian University discovered when he followed 33 pairs of university friends for 19 years.

Pairs who continued to invest time in their friendship remained close despite changes in marital status, number of children and geographical distance.

Reach out regularly, using whatever method suited you both best during lockdown.

Use other ways to show you've taken time to consider your friend, for example sending a handwritten note on a day that's important to them, or posting small gifts simply to show you were thinking of them.

In addition, arrange to meet in person as often as is feasible. The interval matters little: With true friends, you'll pick up exactly where you left off when you meet.

For those who've chosen to prioritize other things just now, take a different approach. Send regular messages telling them briefly what you're up to and that you're thinking of them, but don't ask questions that make them feel obligated to reply.

If they're a true friend, they'll be glad to know they can get back to you when they're ready.

Finally, don't neglect other friendships. As Robin Dunbar at Oxford University points out, we have different friends at different levels of intimacy and the degree of intimacy will wax and wane over time.